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AP Ticker's SCRAPPLE NEWS [Open War On Whistleblowers]


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Week of June 24, 2013. I'm A.P. Ticker and I know you'd rather be watching porn but you're stuck at work. Today's show is dedicated to the informant...without these loud mouths there'd be no news. First up, the Obama Regime declares open war on whistleblowers. According to the white house, informing the electorate of official misconduct, as in the recent NSA/Snowden scandal, is considered a treasonous act. El Presidente B-Rock plans to announce his "snitches are bitches" policy at a book burning later this week. And it seems the U-S has a partner in the game of global surveillance. According to Snowden, the British intelligence giant G-C-H-Q has been collecting the internet activity of citizens from around the world for almost five years now. Supposedly, the agency can snatch more than twenty petabytes of information directly from the internet per day. To put that number in perspective, imagine all the grains of sand on a beach...then slap yourself in the face 'cause you can't imagine a number that huge. On a related note, did you know that the consortium of U-S, British, Canadian, Australian, and ...New Zealand-er-ish-esque... intelligence agencies that monitor the globe is known as 'The Five Eyes'? Christ we're in deep dog shit. The people of Middle Earth only had one eye watching them, and it took a trilogy of films and a bible-sized novel to wrap up that debacle. In a recent Bank of America bombshell, employees confess to playing dirty tricks on broke borrowers after 2008's financial apocalypse. Management encouraged foreclosures by offering a $500 pittance to the soulless agent who crushed the most dreams per month. Despite evidence of misconduct the Attorney General has decided not to prosecute because Fuck You. That's why. Meanwhile, residents in Tennessee who complained about dirty drinking water were surprised to find themselves under the scrutiny of Homeland Security. State Rep. Sheila Butt warned constituents to stifle their criticisms or they could be labeled dissidents and sent to Gitmo. Many Mt. Pleasant natives accepted Mz Butt's offer; I guess if you're desperate for uncontaminated h2o, being water boarded doesn't sound so bad. And finally, the person serving you your extra value meal, is undervalued. McDonald's employees protest being paid by debit card and not receiving their full wage thanks to unscrupulous transaction fees. When reached for comment Ronald the corporate ass clown laughed maniacally before injecting children with diabetes and processing puppies into secret sauce. Kiss your mom goodnight for me, remember to drink PBC Hard Cider so you'll grow up strong and keep your eyes out for new delicious flavors Razzberet Tart and Gregarious Ginger. Scrapple TV is written by: Scott Colan John Zito Steve Galley Brendan Skwire



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