AP Ticker's SCRAPPLE NEWS None Of This Is Real

The week of August 26, 2013. @APTicker From atop the Scrapple News tower in downtown Philadelphia, I'm AP Ticker and none of this is real. We're all just figments of a small child's imagination. If any of the stories you see here compel you to get up off your couch and take it to the streets, I'd think twice. Apple has created technology that enables police and government agents to block the transmission of photos and videos by creating blackout zones. Now that the government is working hard to destroy the internet I hope they at least drone attack farmville. Seriously, this could be bad news for peaceful protesters if the pigs decide they'd rather not be caught on camera using tear gas. Or straight up punching a woman in the face during the Puerto Rican Day parade. Or shooting a family dog during a raid just because they can! Take care exercising your rights out there friends; keeping the dirty bastards honest just got a little harder. We've got less than two weeks before Philadelphia students prison - I mean - schooooooool. The district is so mismanaged and underfunded that many schools will open without guidance counsellors or librarians. But I spy with my third eye, a possible solution from our friends in Brazil! The nation best known for lady-boys and bikini waxes will earn billions to bolster its failing education system with oil royalties. P.A. is kingpin of fracking and our schools should get some of those doll hairs. If you're going to blow up all of our natural resources the least you could do is pay for textbooks. Would if we could, Pennsylvania, is the only major gas-producing state that does NOT tax natural gas production. Here's something you can't learn in a book. Philadelphia Brewing Company's Hard Cider will put hair in unwanted places, but it tastes so good, you won't care. This has been Scrapple News and I am A.P. Ticker; find me on twitter and I'll send you a dick pic. Who's dick? Who knows? Scrapple TV is written by: Johnny Zito Scott Colan Brendan Skwire Steve Galley

Show Description Hide Description