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AP Ticker's [ScrappleTV News] The Ultimate Warrior

ScrappleTV News - Week of April 21, 2014. Scrapple News written by: Scott Colan, Brendan Skwire, John Zito, Steve Galley Shot by: Marc Brodzik Edited by: Andrew Geller From high atop the Scrapple News tower in downtown Philadelphia; I'm AP and this is a fever dream you'll never escape. The battle for communications supremacy goes airborne. Google has acquired a manufacturer of high-altitude, solar-powered drones. The robot aircrafts are designed to fly for up to five years, gather real-time, high-res images of the earth, and boost data services. Developers promise a new feature in Google Maps, that allow users to invade each other's privacy with the same impunity as the NSA. Now, at all times, the world will know your hideous goat-like cravings. The time has come to admit that smoking e-cigarettes is the same as smoking actual cigarettes. It's smelly, annoying and it looks like you're trying way too hard. Right here in the city of brotherly shove, Mayor Nutter has signed a bill that outlaws "vaping" almost everywhere indoors. Blade Runner fans will just have to find new ways to satisfy their oral fixations. Might I suggest something less douchey? Like a tampon. Speaking of female hygiene; this week we mourn the passing of The Ultimate Warrior. It's believed the 54 year old walking pituitary gland suffered a massive heart attack after his appearance at wrestlemania. Fans of oiled men in spandex everywhere are bereaved. Hailing from parts unknown he is survived by his Uber Wife and mega children. He will be remembered for his large face, sausage fingers and signature wrestling move the "atomic anal invader". If you prefer your heroes to be more emaciated, then you'll love Homeless Jesus Statue. This disturbingly realistic sculpture depicts the Christian Messiah destitute, sleeping on a park bench. The religious artwork is being removed from it's home in the affluent community of Davidson, North Carolina. Residents are uncomfortable with the image of Jesus as a poor vagrant and prefer to remember him as the wealthy carpenter we all know Christ to be. Finally; we turn to the Heartbleed virus, a nasty computer bug that's ruining life for IT guys across the world. Hackers exploit the security flaw to capture usernames, passwords and other sensitive information from Yahoo!, Netflix, and Amazon. Where as most computer terrorists attack the government, this electronic disease is affecting everyday internet trolls like you and I. Back in my day, if you wanted to steal a man's identity you had to do it the old fashion way; by wearing his skin like a people-suit. Now all you need are a few bank account numbers and a modem. There's just no romance anymore. If you're looking to rekindle your lust for life, might I suggest a refreshing bottle of Kenzinger Beer. This killer taste from Philadelphia Brewing Company will make your summer longer and your shorts shorter. If it was Sunday and we were watching football, I'd be drunk already. That does for this week's scrapple news. As always I remain AP Ticker, a unicorn trapped among the flightless horseys. Follow us on Facebook http://Facebook.com/scrappletv Follow us on Twitter http://twitter.com/ScrappleTV Stop by the Website for More News and Infotainment http://scrapple.tv/



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