.......livin' life backwards.........
MY NEXT LIFE by George Carlin...
I want to live my next life backwards: You start out
dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in
a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get
kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement
and collect your pension. Then when you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40
years until you're too young to work. You get ready for
High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
Spa-like conditions - Central heating, room service on
tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails
in the past...especially the instructional youtube videos
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the e-mail about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake or spider could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in
the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity will read this with their hand on
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
...... ........no need to thank me.....you're
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