An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained; "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to." Once a LAD always a LAD
To the LAD on the dancefloor last night whose only move was jumping straight up as high as he could, wobbling like a fish jumping in the air. Saw the bouncers come over a couple of times to tell him to calm down but after a few minutes he'd slyly look around and begin his jumping again. LeapingsalmonLAD
The Mrs thinks that if you quit a game of FIFA you get banned for a month with a £10 fine. LetMeFinishMyGameLAD
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
The Pasta Loft's Saturday night bar scene made me remember why I do my best to avoid trips to New Hampshire that venture further than the highway-side, state liquor store.
This place was dreadful, but here's why YOU might like the Pasta Loft:
You like crowds of weirdly mixed age from barely legal noobs to retired maple syrup farmers.
You love dancing to "Brown Eyed Girl" - twice in one night.
You believe that the "area's best live music" means "aging cover band that plays Brown Eye Girl a lot."
You want to get blitzed, but Applebees closes early ):
Your predilections for alcohol end with Budweiser and Jager shots.
You love rude bartenders who ID insolent city slickers for each drink.
You've got townie street cred complete with poor vocabulary and a surprising capacity for yelling, "Woooooooooo!"
You realized that getting drunk in NH is at least better than being sober in NH.
Sounds about right.
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and
oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the
face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this
picture! It's a profile of his face!
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for
two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what
I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some
of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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