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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:36 pm » by TheDuck


Ultimate Truths

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success…….. is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk..


In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.


Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.

If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.


***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.


Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

All Govt buses are crowded.
Corollary--- -- The Govt buses in opposite direction always go empty.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.


After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:38 pm » by TheDuck


Some Wacky Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's
there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:39 pm » by TheDuck


Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, he entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:39 pm » by TheDuck


A Nun Walks Into A Bar

A nun, badly needing to use the rest-room, walked into the local boozer. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out." "Now, how about that drink?"
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:41 pm » by TheDuck


Award winning joke!!!!

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We
are in BIG trouble this time.



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("I really LOVED reading next line again and again")


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GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:42 pm » by TheDuck


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. Avoıd cuttıng yourself when slıcıng vegetables by gettıng someone else to hold the vegetables whıle you slıce.

2. Avoıd arguments wıth the females about lıftıng the toılet seat by usıng the sınk.

3. For hıgh blood pressure sufferers ~ sımply cut yourself and bleed for a few mınutes, thus reducıng the pressure on your veıns. Remember to use a tımer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clockwıll prevent you from rollıng over and goıng back to sleep after you hıt the snooze button.

5. ıf you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatıves. Then you'll be afraıd to cough.

6. You only need two tools ın lıfe - wd-40 and duct tape. ıf ıt doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. ıf ıt shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. ıf you can't fıx ıt wıth a hammer, you've got an electrıcal problem.

Daıly thought: Some people are lıke slınkıes - not really good for anythıng but they brıng a smıle to your face when pushed down the staırs.
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 4:48 pm » by Aragajag


Chinese Funny Proverbs


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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PostWed Oct 21, 2009 5:28 pm » by Torofamily


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ducky lama always with a word of wisdom

we salute you
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ImageWE ARE THE GLOBAL POLITICAL AWAKENING ! Image



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