Mind Control and Me

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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 6:57 am » by Samael


I honestly thought I was smart.
I thought I was me.
I know I'm not paranoid.
I believe that they got hold me of me.

This is a tough story to tell. It roots mostly in memory, but not my own. Or what I mean is, the memories are mine but I didn't remember them by myself.

When I was young, around 4, my sister committed suicide. My parents say this radically changed my personality. I remember being the same, but I guess death was on my mind then.
I remember going through grade school, and there was a school psychologist there. Every time I was there though, it was exactly how I left it. This seemed strange to me, I had always assumed she met with other students as well. At this time, I have no recollection of any time outside of school. This continued for 6 years I remained at the school. My parents tell me that I would come home from school and do nothing but sit on the couch eating. Time passed very quickly for me, and my marks in school were superb.

When I began middle school, I stopped seeing this psychologist. I began to take prescriptions for zoloft and adderal. Things went fine for a couple of weeks, but my school work had dropped off to almost none. I remember being in my head constantly and my macabre nature had begun to flower. During this period I also entered into a state of hyper-aggressiveness, and since I was a larger youth, lead to me injuring many of my peers. My artistic nature began here, along with the first few friends I had. The problem with these friends is that they were imaginary. Not the sort of imaginary friends a child has, but imaginary personalities in my mind. It started with people, a sort of fake family. It involved a responsible father figure("Greg"), a casual carefree younger brother("Jared"), a dependable friendly older brother("Tom"), and a empathetic sister/girlfriend figure("Sheila"). These personalities were real people to me, and they had conversations in my mind with me.

After some time with my "family," the internet became my escape. Imbued with confidence from my new support structure, I set about meeting people. From the lack of emotion in my life, I became a real predator online. I hunted people, whether it be lonely old men or innocent young girls. Every type of person you could imagine, I would work my way into manipulating them for whatever I could. Suddenly, I had become 50-100 people in total. Fake names, fake lives, fake everything in order to fill some void or for practice to the next one. I reached a point where text would no longer cut it, I reached for the phone. My available catalog of people to disguise myself would dwindle to young males.

This is the point that I found multiple girls. Some young and blossoming, some grown and lonely, it didn't matter. I was 13 years old and ready to find real attachment, or at least fake it to acquire it. I began to entertain 3-5 girls in a lasting relationship. The oldest I could fool at the time was 21 years old, and the youngest was my age. Having no real personality of my own, I proceeded to make a generally similar one for use then on out. This personality grew on his own, from what seemed like a real one. And in conversations with it, had become known to me as "Kitten." "Kitten" was kept separate from the rest of the "family," and only on rare occasions had it ever met the sister character.

My body became nothing more than a tool of the mind, like a organic robot. Life was seemingly nothing more than a puzzle to be solved. People were the most interesting and complex puzzle, and gaining control of them was my objective. The pattern became formulaic. First we created similarities, then we created friendship, then followed emotional bonding, then came attachment, and finally we came to manipulation. The real issue was "Kitten" would actually become emotionally attached to these girls. This causes problems later, but for the moment he would cause physical problems for me. "Kitten" would become more and more volatile, and difficult to control. He began to leak into everyday life, and began to mutilate my body in acts of emotional turmoil. In an attempt to free myself from his partial control, I started to create places in mind much like I had created people. I created a castle and imprisoned him in it. This was in some parts a mistake. Being a castle made in my mind, it became labyrinthine and caused me to lose actual time while inside of it.

Back to reality, I was some what of a mess. While I was doing decent in school again, I had started going to High School. I was having insane mood swings as "Kitten" would come in and out of control. I began to understand what my true personality was like, from the realization of my differences to "Kitten." Finding myself in a physical relationship with a few of the girls I had met online, things became more and more complicated. "Kitten" finally revealed himself to the one of the girls, who took the news quite well. It turns out she was not all together herself, and with some manipulation from "Kitten"'s part, resulted in her having a break from reality. She became "Bunny," and "Kitten," having taken some notes, found a way to manipulate her to make a castle for her real personality to be imprisoned in. Her break was instantaneous whenever she saw me, and I could do nothing to bring back the girl I had met. "Kitten" would fight for control to be with his creation, and some nights I lost.

At the age of 16, I stopped taking prescriptions and began to experiment with hallucinogens.
This is when I had a real paradigm shift from the scientist with his creations, back to a human being. All of these personalities and "Kitten" had dissolved back into me. They coalesced and formed a patchwork of who I thought I was. Unfortunately, I had decided to only adopt positive traits, and never accounted for my humanity. I had expected perfection, and when I had no allowed for imperfection, it made itself known. I had become the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde. My darker side, though infrequent, was monstrous. He was the ever sinister watchdog of my life, whispering in my ear at all moments. He was everywhere, and was in everyone I met.

The fading light of my optimism, was near drowned by the coming night of my villainy. At 17, I began to smoke cannabis and meditate frequently. I attempted to reconcile with myself, and escape being hunted by me. Things only got worse and worse. The physical hallucinations, and demonic thoughts coursed my mind. There was no day with remission, and no path I knew to follow. After a year, I could barely hold out against my urges. I did what I thought was my only option, I packed up, and fled. I hit the road and had to figure out how to survive physically, rather than mentally. I really took my personality that I had developed, and gave it a spin. I met strangers, and I talked to people. I read philosophy, and stories on the internet. I never stopped smoking, and things started to change.

At some point I accepted I was both an angel(compassionate and good willed) and a demon(sadistic and malicious). I saw man for who he was, and I became a man. I watched yin flow into yang, and I watched birds eat butterflies. I've traveled many roads, not as many as some, but many more than others ever will.

And now, when I see mind control, I feel like an arson returning to the scene of a crime. Or like a murderer fondling a trinket of his victim, maybe a rapist watching a video of his crime at trial. I feel something, some sick obsession, that makes me want more. I will forever be that scientist studying people.


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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 7:11 am » by Thedude69


Nice post.

Don't know how to respond to it really, just letting you know i enjoyed the insight into your world.

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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 9:56 am » by Shagrath


Are you trying to tell us that you are a victim of monarch programming?

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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 10:13 am » by Mrmcnuggets


Erm, I would be careful on the sharing of this, in the us it only takes two doctors signatures to deem on insane. Though from the help of hallucinongens, they can be, as long as controlled and monitored and worked with in the right manor.

To me, sounds like the prescriptions developed a psychosis disorder, pre skitso, I am no doctor, nor making fun. But medications that have been mis diagnosed have been known to lead to this.
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "

I AM an endangered species.


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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 12:28 pm » by Mediasorcerer


so what do you want us to say?
whatever excuses huimans pull,there is always a choice.
with the power of soul,anything is possible
with the power of you,anything that you wanna do

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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 12:31 pm » by Unitb166er


Awareness is Choice.

Choice is Power.
Designed To Give A Damn!

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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 3:21 pm » by Newearthman


Cool story man. So what do you do with yourself these days? Have you settled down some where after your travells. I guess I am some what the same with the character of Newearthman. To me he is like my inner super hero who has the strength and courage to do anything.
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PostFri Jun 17, 2011 3:31 pm » by Harbin


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PostSat Jun 18, 2011 12:59 am » by Samael


newearthman wrote:Cool story man. So what do you do with yourself these days? Have you settled down some where after your travells. I guess I am some what the same with the character of Newearthman. To me he is like my inner super hero who has the strength and courage to do anything.

Still traveling, trying to figure out this world. Enjoying god, and all that spirituality has to offer. Working my way towards transcendence after forgoing previous opportunities. Understanding why I chose to be here, and what I hope to learn.
A Poison of, or A Remedy for
The end never justify the means.
eliakim wrote:In the top right hand corner where my Spirit unicorn used to appear

eliakim wrote: Abba spoke and he said he would cut off the penis of Islam.

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PostSat Jun 18, 2011 3:29 am » by Thedude69


samael wrote:
newearthman wrote:Cool story man. So what do you do with yourself these days? Have you settled down some where after your travells. I guess I am some what the same with the character of Newearthman. To me he is like my inner super hero who has the strength and courage to do anything.

Still traveling, trying to figure out this world. Enjoying god, and all that spirituality has to offer. Working my way towards transcendence after forgoing previous opportunities. Understanding why I chose to be here, and what I hope to learn.


Seeing as you enjoy manipulation, going to religion is probably the right choice for you. A Socially acceptable cure.


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