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PostSun Jul 07, 2013 4:14 am » by Slith


RATRODROB wrote:very good first attempt mate, perhaps a little over descriptive, 4 me anyway, but keep going with it, i want to know what happens when wolfius gets to the bridge. :flop:


Good point. For me the interesting thing about writing has always been paring it down. You write big, then simplify it.
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PostSun Jul 07, 2013 4:55 am » by Opalserpent


If you write a good enough book you could consider it for game design.
You are bound to make more money and honestly you should not
post any part of your book here in public as you are going to get plagiarized.

Perhaps discussing it in the chatroom would be a better option.

I been on there once, it's nice.


I bet this cat isn't making any money:

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PostSun Jul 07, 2013 10:28 am » by Cia212


I dig the angle and subject but you need to learn proper grammar. And try to outline the novel first, your descriptive writing style needs more direction.

Is that a Samoyed in your avi or an American Eskimo?

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PostSun Jul 07, 2013 11:21 am » by Elnorel


You seem to have the same approach to writing a book as me.

Problem is, you see it too vividly in your mind and you try to pour every sensation down to the paper, often making the words drag out too long.

Its great if you want to make a movie, and you provide every single little detail, so it is easier to write a script.
But it is no easy reading for today's standards when people rush and have no time to absorb the book proper.

Usually a rule of thumb is details = max 40% of the sentence, then 60% = gist of what you wanted to say.

Also I would revise "Jesus Christ! That's fucking colder than shit..." if I were you, else the publisher will.
It has nothing to do with the fact that adults don't care much about such wording,.... its detracting and unnecessary.

Otherwise I cant wait for you to give us the whole story you had in mind.

I'm sure you will revise it many times, and in the end it will be great to read.
SKEPTIC - One who instinctively or habitually doubts, questions, disagrees with assertions or generally accepted conclusions.
And tries to prove these assertions/claims with scientific facts.

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PostSun Jul 07, 2013 8:53 pm » by ericmarr


Thank you all for your support. I do know I have problems with my grammar and such..But when I get to a certain point I will print it out so its easy for me to fix it. Thank you again for the feed back. And if someone does steal this I have enough evidence to sue the living daylights out of you, Plus its not that good :P Pretty much this is my rough draft lol... Heres another part of it no he has not made it to the bridge yet.


“ Yeah yeah I have to go take a shower now be on your best behavior, You know that I am not even allowed to have a dog on this ship.”Says Wolfius. Nina Stands up and shakes the sleepiness off. Looking at Wolfius with very alluring eyes. “ Bark”. “ Yes I love you too you devil dog.”Says Wolfius going down on a knee and starts rough housing with Nina.
Cabin room door releases a hissing sound then begins to open. A young dark haired woman walks in through opened door, begins to approach Wolfius and Nina who is now kissing his face.”Uh Hmm..Captain Wolfius Am I interrupting something?”Wolfius looking up from the cabin rooms floor..”Yes Yes you are Sergeant Emi, Can you not see I am with a beautiful woman?”Nina gets off Wolfius and heads over towards Emi who seems very happy to see her..” Whos such a good dog.”Says Emi who's now rubbing Nina down. “ Yes you are and why are you still with this schmuck.”Says Emi. Nina looks at Wolfius with the look of yeah why am I still with you?
“Heh women always sticking together. If you like Emi so much then why don't you stay with her?” Sacartistly Says Wolfius.”Names Emilia by the Way Captain Wolfius.”Says Emilia.” Ahh..Still as uptight as you were in Martian combat schooling.”Says Wolfius Laughing at his own joke.” No just very proud to be here and working on this Mission unlike someone else Captain.” Say Emilia. “Are you referring to Pilot Chris, Is he drunk once more and hitting on the cafeteria ladies again? Says Wolfius with a smile upon his face.
“May I speak out of Rank Captain?’Asks Emilia. “ Of Course you can Emi..Oh sorry I mean Emilia..What is it then?”Says Wolfius. “ I meant you Captain by my previous comment.’ Says Emilia. Wolfius looks at her now anger flashing in his eyes. “What's that suppose to mean Emilia Hmm?”Emilia shifts a bit but continues what she was saying. “You are always late every day. You never attend to your daily duties and I know the only reason you wanted me as you staff captain..Well..It`s..Beca...”Before Emilia could finish Wolfius cuts her off his voice rising.” Do you think your opinion matters to me, you are just a sergeant nothing else..Do you understand that Emilia!” Looking directly into Wolfius Eyes “ Yes Sir.” Is all Emilia would say. Emilia Salutes
Wolfius.” Captain your presence is required on the bridge., I shall take my leave.” Emilia salutes again and leaves the room..Once outside Captains cabin She lets one single tear to fall along her cheek.When the tear splashed the floor Emilia forgot everything that had taken place just now. Emilia Straightens herself out ready to move on towards the bridge to report Captain Wolfius will be late once again.
Nina tilts her head towards the shower room where her master is..She could not believe her master would snap at Emilia like..That..After what they have been through in the recent years together..My master Must be scared to open up to her..He jumped into the shower rather quickly after her departure..He does that often only to shed tears..He thinks I cannot hear him..But a dog always knows when his master is down..By the time he comes out he will have forgotten all of what he said to Emilia..But Would Emilia forget?A dog's job is never over for his master..
Nina patiently waits for her master to be done showering.Seems like days before he got out, She could also tell by the redness of his eyes that he had shed many tears before he came out.”Useless showers always making me want to rub my eyes...Well time to get dressed..” Says Wolfius who is as naked as the day he was born.
Nina watches as her naked master starts to get clothed. Wolfius first opens his underwear drawer..” Hmmm such a hard choice white boxer briefs or white boxer briefs?He looks over towards Nina with 2 pair of white boxer briefs in each hand.” Well what do you think Nina? This one or that one?.”Nina looks at her master than the two pairs of underpants in his hand.She shakes her head in disgrace..She gets up and leaves the cabin.
“Thank you for your honest opinion! Dang mutt does not get my humor.”Says Wolfius who continues to get dressed..”Same old socks same old suit all gray and colorless. I Miss my Martin suit much more color to it.” Says Wolfius. Looking in the Mirror he sees a 25 year old man all in gray.Colorless as the earth he came from. “ Well enough of that must get to the bridge.” Says Wolfius.
He straightens his collar for one last adjustment. He turns around and heads out the door were Nina sat waiting for him like every other day.” Well girl are you ready?” Asks Wolfius. Nina looks up at him and yawns. “ Yea me neither let's get going we are already late as it is” Motioning Nina to follow his lead down the ships hallway.. Nina and Wolfius pass several busy Engineers and scientist. “ Very odd what is up with all this commotion?”Pondering the Thought he stops a personnel running by.The Personnel salutes “Sir”. “ At Ease What is going on?” Asks Wolfius.
“ Sir we are in Reach of our Destination Planet 345 Gamma Sector.”Say Personnel. “ Oh shit we are! Thats why Nina came to get me Fuck.” Says Wolfius at a confused Personnel. “ You are dismissed get back to what you were doing.” The Man Salutes Captain Wolfius “ Yes Sir right away Sir.”
After the Personnel starts to go back to what he was doing..He could not help to notice the captain was running now with his dog towards the bridge.
“ Shit Shit SHit we cannot be late..How could I be so stupid..Says Wolfius at full run down the the space corridors.

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PostMon Jul 08, 2013 3:58 am » by RATRODROB


haha, nice read.
i like how you slip in little details like "still as uptight as you were in martian combat schooling"

these impromptu releases of information slowly give the reader little tid bits of reality and reference, it helps set the scene for the reader without actually going on about being a space or martian type theme.

this may surprise most at DTV, but i also started to write a book about 2yrs ago, only got first chapter done, mine is a childrens book, and after reading yours, im filled with new enthusiasm to write more,
good on ya mate :flop:
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PostMon Jul 08, 2013 5:08 am » by ericmarr


RATRODROB wrote:haha, nice read.
i like how you slip in little details like "still as uptight as you were in martian combat schooling"

these impromptu releases of information slowly give the reader little tid bits of reality and reference, it helps set the scene for the reader without actually going on about being a space or martian type theme.

this may surprise most at DTV, but i also started to write a book about 2yrs ago, only got first chapter done, mine is a childrens book, and after reading yours, im filled with new enthusiasm to write more,
good on ya mate :flop:
RRR


I know its hard to try and keep writing but in the end its well worth it I hear lol. Thank you all for your help while some of you do have a point about people copying..I will not be posting it but if you would like to read more Ill be gladly to share a link with yea..Plus lol might be getting to big to post
I just now got to chapter one what I showed you was a prologue..That will be the last part of my book I will post but will share links..Hope that keeps it a little more safe..Im am glad to those who wish to help me :D


Prologue
A gleam of light shone through a oval window reaching the floor. So ever slowly crawling across to reach the other side. The light reaches a wooden dresser, upon it was a picture of a little boy with a beautiful woman and a stern looking man .Moving past the dresser and reaching
the edge of a sleeping person's bed..Sound asleep snoring lightly. The sunlight moving up the sleeper nearly half way , but was beaten by a loud screeching high pitched sound from the side of the bed.The sleeper shifting from under his covers," Yawns" "Damn Alarm"says the man. Man then deactivates his alarm clock..then he yawns again. " What a weird Dream "says the man. He then moves his hands up to his eyes and starts to rub them. Also giving another long "Yawn."
With a crackling sound the Intercom comes on " Captain Wolfius Report to the Bridge."After the intercom announcement Wolfius sits up on his bed and stretches out his arms, lifting the right one than left one up towards the ceiling. " I admit they are persistent ."Says Wolfius. Moving his head from side to side like that of a wet dog trying to dry itselfs off.
Afterwards he swings one leg over the bed to make contact with the floor, the bare skin of his foot reaches the cold smooth floor of the sleeping quarters.As a result Wolfius Shouts " Jesus Christ! That's colder than shit..." Wolfius then moves his foot back onto the bed and under the blankets to keep warm. “ I always forget how damn cold this Space Cruisers floors are..Now were or were are my slippers?” says Wolfius.
Scanning the small cabin Wolfius did not see his slippers anywhere. He looked on the floor space between his bed and dresser.” Hmmm..Not Here not over there..Were could they be..I cannot be late again!..”Says Wolfius now getting frustrated.. A low mumble or soft growl sound comes from the corner of the cabin near the door. Wolfius looks towards the sound and sees that his Huskie Nina had them..
Wolfius now swings both legs over his bed onto the floor. “ Brrrrr... Its Freezing” He now stands up and starts to stumble across towards Nina. “ Nina Wake up. How dare you take my slippers and let me freeze my poor feet off.”Nina looks up now awake and starts to pant putting even more slobber on the slippers..”You know what Nina I will go without slippers today..I want you to know i will be freezing.BRrrrr.” Says Wolfius “ Bark Bark.” From a very intent and happy Nina who is now wagging her tail on the floor making a thumping sound.
“ Yeah yeah I have to go take a shower now be on your best behavior, You know that I am not even allowed to have a dog on this ship.”Says Wolfius. Nina Stands up and shakes the sleepiness off. Looking at Wolfius with very alluring eyes. “ Bark”. “ Yes I love you too you devil dog.”Says Wolfius going down on a knee and starts rough housing with Nina.
Cabin room door releases a hissing sound then begins to open. A young dark haired woman walks in through opened door, begins to approach Wolfius and Nina who is now kissing his face.”Uh Hmm..Captain Wolfius Am I interrupting something?”Wolfius looking up from the cabin rooms floor..”Yes Yes you are Sergeant Emi, Can you not see I am with a beautiful woman?”Nina gets off Wolfius and heads over towards Emi who seems very happy to see her..” Whos such a good dog.”Says Emi who's now rubbing Nina down. “ Yes you are and why are you still with this schmuck.”Says Emi. Nina looks at Wolfius with the look of yeah why am I still with you?
“Heh women always sticking together. If you like Emi so much then why don't you stay with her?” Sacartistly Says Wolfius.”Names Emilia by the Way Captain Wolfius.”Says Emilia.” Ahh..Still as uptight as you were in Martian combat schooling.”Says Wolfius Laughing at his own joke.” No just very proud to be here and working on this Mission unlike someone else Captain.” Say Emilia. “Are you referring to Pilot Chris, Is he drunk once more and hitting on the cafeteria ladies again? Says Wolfius with a smile upon his face.
“May I speak out of Rank Captain?’Asks Emilia. “ Of Course you can Emi..Oh sorry I mean Emilia..What is it then?”Says Wolfius. “ I meant you Captain by my previous comment.’ Says Emilia. Wolfius looks at her now anger flashing in his eyes. “What's that suppose to mean Emilia Hmm?”Emilia shifts a bit but continues what she was saying. “You are always late every day. You never attend to your daily duties and I know the only reason you wanted me as you staff captain..Well..It`s..Beca...”Before Emilia could finish Wolfius cuts her off his voice rising.” Do you think your opinion matters to me, you are just a sergeant nothing else..Do you understand that Emilia!” Looking directly into Wolfius Eyes “ Yes Sir.” Is all Emilia would say. Emilia Salutes
Wolfius.” Captain your presence is required on the bridge., I shall take my leave.” Emilia salutes again and leaves the room..Once outside Captains cabin She lets one single tear to fall along her cheek.When the tear splashed the floor Emilia forgot everything that had taken place just now. Emilia Straightens herself out ready to move on towards the bridge to report Captain Wolfius will be late once again.
Nina tilts her head towards the shower room where her master is..She could not believe her master would snap at Emilia like..That..After what they have been through in the recent years together..My master Must be scared to open up to her..He jumped into the shower rather quickly after her departure..He does that often only to shed tears..He thinks I cannot hear him..But a dog always knows when his master is down..By the time he comes out he will have forgotten all of what he said to Emilia..But Would Emilia forget?A dog's job is never over for his master..
Nina patiently waits for her master to be done showering.Seems like days before he got out, She could also tell by the redness of his eyes that he had shed many tears before he came out.”Useless showers always making me want to rub my eyes...Well time to get dressed..” Says Wolfius who is as naked as the day he was born.
Nina watches as her naked master starts to get clothed. Wolfius first opens his underwear drawer..” Hmmm such a hard choice white boxer briefs or white boxer briefs?He looks over towards Nina with 2 pair of white boxer briefs in each hand.” Well what do you think Nina? This one or that one?.”Nina looks at her master than the two pairs of underpants in his hand.She shakes her head in disgrace..She gets up and leaves the cabin.
“Thank you for your honest opinion! Dang mutt does not get my humor.”Says Wolfius who continues to get dressed..”Same old socks same old suit all gray and colorless. I Miss my Martin suit much more color to it.” Says Wolfius. Looking in the Mirror he sees a 25 year old man all in gray.Colorless as the earth he came from. “ Well enough of that must get to the bridge.” Says Wolfius.
He straightens his collar for one last adjustment. He turns around and heads out the door were Nina sat waiting for him like every other day.” Well girl are you ready?” Asks Wolfius. Nina looks up at him and yawns. “ Yea me neither let's get going we are already late as it is” Motioning Nina to follow his lead down the ships hallway.. Nina and Wolfius pass several busy Engineers and scientist. “ Very odd what is up with all this commotion?”Pondering the Thought he stops a personnel running by.The Personnel salutes “Sir”. “ At Ease What is going on?” Asks Wolfius.
“ Sir we are in Reach of our Destination Planet 345 Gamma Sector.”Say Personnel. “ Oh shit we are! Thats why Nina came to get me Fuck.” Says Wolfius at a confused Personnel. “ You are dismissed get back to what you were doing.” The Man Salutes Captain Wolfius “ Yes Sir right away Sir.”
After the Personnel starts to go back to what he was doing..He could not help to notice the captain was running now with his dog towards the bridge.
“ Shit Shit SHit we cannot be late..How could I be so stupid..Says Wolfius at full run down the the space corridors. Wolfius now makes it the the bridge elevator and pushes the button.”Phew We have made it and we are not too late.” says Wolfius looking down at Nina. The elevator arrives and then Nina and Wolfius board it. The elevator is in mid transit. “ Hmm no elevator music jeesh what has this spacecraft come to.” Says Wolfius.
Finally coming to the Bridge Wolfius and Nina depart the elevator.Looking around the bridge Wolfius notices a lot of commotion. Officers running multiple programs on their computer screens checking to make sure all the ships programs and life support systems were up and running. Wolfius found what he was really looking for which was Emilia. There She was standing on the flight deck alone.
Wolfius approaches the flight deck by going up a flight of stairs.He reaches the top of the stairs and realizes Emilia did not even turn around to greet him. Nina runs up to Emilia and starts to lick her hand. Emilia looks down at nina and smiles “ Oh no I'm never mad at you you handsome dog” Rubbing Ninas head “ Wolfius does not know how lucky he is to have you” Emilia then kisses Nina on the head” You need to go back to him you know how jealous he can get” Nina Barks and gives Emilia a few more licks on the face.
Nina returning to Wolfius side. “ You are still mad at me for what I said? You know how personal this mission is to me. You stepped out of line by the things you said.”Says Wolfius looking at Emilia. “Of course I did Sir” Saluting Wolfius. “fine be that way..I did make a promise to you and Terrain..” says Wolfius now taking Emilias hand. “ Can you forgive me..?”Looking into her beautiful eyes, her eyes always reminded him of some far off galaxy unexplored...Wolfius never said that to her cause she might think it was sexual.Emilia looking at Wolfius “ Of course I can” Says Emilia moving in towards Wolfius.
The whole ship's crew stops only for a second to observe Sergeant Emilia and Captain Wolfius. Emilia and Wolfius were kissing so slowly, but while they were the planet came into view in the background. Wolfius has kept both of his promises to Terrain and Emilia but he will full fill terrains destiny.

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PostMon Jul 08, 2013 5:43 am » by Icarium


I'm trying to write a book but I am having a problem with the beginning, the middle and the end, oh and I can't come up with a plot for it either, apart from that it's going fucking swimmingly.

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PostMon Jul 08, 2013 6:18 am » by ericmarr


Icarium wrote:I'm trying to write a book but I am having a problem with the beginning, the middle and the end, oh and I can't come up with a plot for it either, apart from that it's going fucking swimmingly.

What type of story are you going for?

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PostMon Jul 08, 2013 8:10 am » by Slith


Good stuff Eric. Keep at er. Written words are the extension of the mind. :flop:
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