The Awkward Dates Thread. o_0

Sat Sep 15, 2012 3:49 am » by **Troll2rocks**

Awkward dates, we've all had em.

Lets all share our very finest cringe inducing dates from hell. :love:

Let me start with a personal favourite of mine.

One of the worst I ever had was a spur of the moment thing, I had met and spoken with a nice girl in a nightclub (well tried to speak with her but the occasion from what I remember was very loud), and I was very drunk. I remember having a tongue shoved down my neck and having to recite a number out loud from blurred numerical text which was not best suited to my eyes at the time. Time passed, we shared messages and the occasional phone call. More time passed the festival circuit started and we lost touch for a while. Then I remember one warm evening I get a message saying something to the effect of... "Hey how are you ?.

We shared a few short messages then the bombshell was dropped, ya know the one all men secretly await and punch the sky when they hear it, but hardly ever do. "I'm horny". Followed by a picture of a big pair of tits. I remembered how attractive this girl was, adn how much I was drawn to her when we met.

Long story short, well shortish. I got directions, it was only about 25 miles away, so I decided to go by train not least because I was heavily under the influence of alcohol, so away I went.

I get there two hours later after a taxi ride from the station. Now I should have known better from the response I got from the taxi driver when I gave him the destination I wanted lol

. So I arrive...

Now prior to this on the train and in the taxi on the way there I had been getting numerous calls from her all getting more erratic and frenzied asking as to where I was and with each call her speech was growing ever more slurred.

So I arrive, at what appears to be a pretty bad estate, (one you would never walk around on alone, unless you are a badass like me lmao) anyway she comes to the door. She has shocking pink hair in a sexy bob cut and schoolgirl knee high white socks, a black short skirt and and a boob tube on (is that what they call em ?). Anyway she looked amazing. A little slutty, but amazing. So after the initial nervous smiles and the obligatory "wow you look great" politeness. I walk in, to be met by a hell of a lot of pictures of Leonardo Di Caprio, plastered fucking everywhere!. Oh and I mean the walls were covered. Just the living room though, the hallway looked free of Leo mania

but that was enough to start my stomach churning. I sat on a chair trying to ignore the obvious and watched her walk her sexy ass off into the kitchen as the offer of a drink was accepted, to try and buy me a little time to think of a conversation piece that did not revolve around Icebergs or Leonardo Di Caprio.

I contemplated the fact that by the time it was then, I would not have been able to get back to a train station to make the last train back, a taxi was out too because at that price and that hour on a Friday evening it was out of the question both logically and financially with what I had on me, so I was pretty much stranded.

She returns from the kitchen with a pint of what looked like cola, I was wrong it was about half and half with vodka.

I sipped away slowly as we made small talk (I was already pretty merry after having a drink earlier but with each sip my head started to swirl) So I put my drink down and asked if I could have a sip of water. She joked about my apparent lack of ability to withstand half a pint of vodka then kindly went to get me some water.

While she left the room I looked around at the pictures on the wall, and I called to her and asked... "Is that you ?" the reply I got was "Yes", there were about 12 different pictures of her standing with Leonardo Di Caprio at movie premiers. She came in and unfolded the story about her travelling around the world to see Di Caprio arrive at press junkets and film premiers. She showed me her films on the wall which were all obviously LDC related and signed etc. Then I noticed a few other films and remarked "oh you like Danny Dyer too lol ?". To which she said "Can't stand him, he is my ex!", :shock:

to which I replied..." I can't say I am a fan". Now if you do not not know Danny Dyer, he is a British typecast (usually as a cockney gangster) terrible film actor / TV actor / presenter. He has also presented many documentaries including this one which you may well be aware of on here

Upload to Disclose.tv

Yeah

So it was about this time I was standing there being told what an absolute bastard Danny Dyer was blah blah blah, that I suddenly realised that I appeared to be standing in what looked like the equivalent of a fucking garbage dump. You see I was so captivated by the walls I forgot to look around in my immediate vicinity, and as this was sinking in and she was talking to me I heard a rumble upstairs, a loud rumble, followed by thunderous footsteps coming down the stairs. I shot her a nervous look at her after being startled and she said "don't worry its just my son"..."He is special"...I nervously said "oh um okay".

The door opened... and in walked a boy that looked about 16 - 17 a pretty big kid, he obviously suffered from down syndrome, he walked in gave me a big smile without hesitation and said "Hi" and gave me a thumbs up. I nervously laughed and said "Hey man". She said your tea is in the fridge, and he walked through and went and sat at a table in the kitchen. Now that is fine, that didn't bother me and shouldn't, but what did bother me... was his penis, because he was completely fucking naked!!!.

It was around this point I was awaiting some hidden presenter to spring out (possibly Danny Dyer) and say hey, "You are on MTV's Dating Fuck Up's", this never happened, reality stayed fixed and no amount of wishing it fictional was gonna cut it.

So he continued to eat his cold spaghetti hoops naked at a table in the kitchen, which was also visible in my line of sight as we sat down and she began to whisper to me about how he hates clothes and will only wear them outside when forced to, to which I continue to nod politely and understandingly. I pick up my water and notice in my peripheral vision that Mr hoops is now doing something else. Yes that. She can't see this, but I can because she is facing me, and I am facing the kitchen doorway from the way we were talking on the sofa.

So about five minutes pass, and I try to draw attention to it as I am listening to her talk by using my eyes as a directional device for her to pick up on and turn around. She doesn't, so I pretend to become distracted and just say it out loud. " Oh hey man, I think he is.. um... masturbating in there".

She turns around and snaps "STOP IT!" turns back to me and says "Sorry" I laugh it off and say no problem. If ya gotta an itch" we laugh.

Then about ten minutes later he comes back through and stands in front of us on the sofa and starts up a conversation with me. (Something I was dreading), it was something about football or some shit, I could not follow as I was running on fumes and fully aware of how sensitive I needed to be in a case like this, but I could not concentrate so I was just adding the applicable "Yeah's" and "Oh great's" where they felt appropriate as his mouth appeared to move up and down. I was using all my focus trying to maintain eye contact and not allow his penis into my field of view. So five minutes of the extremely uncomfortable conversation passed, then mom said "go up to bed now", and he did but not before leaning in and giving mom a nice big hug. Mom was sitting right next to me :flop:

Now, where to put ones face in a scenario like that, do you smile and look on affectionately ?, or turn away and pretend to notice something you hadn't noticed before ?, or do as I did, and look straight ahead eyes fixed at the wall and pretend like nothing was happening at all. Thankfully I never got a hug, but I was offered a handshake. Which I accepted like this was normal. (Oscar worthy performance I tell you). So Mr Hoops waddled off upstairs, and the conversation continued on as if nothing strange had just happened whatsoever.

Now realise I knew nothing about a son, especially not one that is fond of walking around stark bollock naked like it was a summers afternoon in Ibiza.

So after that weirdness, I focussed back in on our conversation or rather the immediate surroundings I was in while pretending to listen. There were empty vodka bottles everywhere, some with melted candles in them etc etc

I began to realise she may be a little fond of drink lol, then I noticed a coke can on the side with what looked like a dent and small holes in it :shock:

Suddenly I became highly concious of the contents of my pockets.

She talked most of the night, I listened and tried to act normal, so after about her third pint of vodka and coke, she started getting real close like. To which I was resistant but ignored mostly. I swear to god though, she was unbelievably good looking. The best way to describe her would be Keira Knightly, a really knock out figure and amazing looking, but a little bit weird, abrasive and obsessed with Leonardo Dicaprio.

I had a choice, I could run and end the night there and take my chances in a really bad place, or realise that I would probably never forgive myself for not seeing this bizarre fucking chain of events through to the end. Which I did. :flop:

Well that is one of a few weird dates I have had.

Beat that!

Sat Sep 15, 2012 4:01 am » by **-Marduk-**

Troll2rocks wrote:Awkward dates, we've all had em.

Let me start with a personal favourite of mine.

Sat Sep 15, 2012 4:55 am » by **domdabears**

Marduk2012 wrote:
Troll2rocks wrote:Awkward dates, we've all had em.

Let me start with a personal favourite of mine.

Inside joke.

Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:02 am » by **-Marduk-**

Dom Da Bears wrote:

Inside joke.

Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:19 am » by **Troll2rocks**

....wait

wat fuckin joke!!!!

:banana:

Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:28 am » by **-Marduk-**

Troll2rocks wrote::lol: ....wait wat fuckin joke!!!!

good sport

C'mon

make a version 2.0

of

:arrow:

Upload to Disclose.tv

I think we need that

USE UR GUT FEEELING BRO

U'RE ze perfect one to do that kinda stuff

:mrgreen:

Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:54 am » by **Hurtswhenipee**

Marduk2012 wrote:
Troll2rocks wrote::lol: ....wait wat fuckin joke!!!!

good sport

C'mon

make a version 2.0

of

Upload to Disclose.tv

I think we need that

USE UR GUT FEEELING BRO

U'RE ze perfect one to do that kinda stuff

Ya that one was Brilliant M8!

Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:46 pm » by **Troll2rocks**

Marduk2012 wrote:
Troll2rocks wrote::lol: ....wait wat fuckin joke!!!!

good sport

C'mon

make a version 2.0

of

Upload to Disclose.tv

I think we need that

USE UR GUT FEEELING BRO

U'RE ze perfect one to do that kinda stuff

I will work on one in next couple of weeks :cheers:

Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:53 pm » by **The57ironman**

Troll2rocks wrote:I will work on one in next couple of weeks

.

.....what's the hold up..?... :mrcool:

.

Sat Sep 15, 2012 7:02 pm » by **Troll2rocks**

The57ironman wrote:
Troll2rocks wrote:I will work on one in next couple of weeks

.

.....what's the hold up..?...

.

I will make one I am juggling about 15 projects at the moment lol, I need to get something finished for a friend. I will start one today, but it may not get finished for a week or so :cheers: