The Darkness has a hold on me

Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:44 pm » by **Newearthman**

I'm not even half way through my life and I want it to end. I'm tired of faking and hiding my unhappyness but I fear there is no other option but to "tough it out" like I always do. I work just to fill my truck up with gas, fill my body with intoxicants and junk food and hope that tomorrow will be different. Yes it 's my fault and I have no one else to blame. I feel like I have failed at life.

I just started a job after being unemployed for almost three months and I'm already hoping for a way out. I know I can't give up but a good part of me want's it to end in a way where I'm not directly responsable. For instance I would be happy if I where in a major vehical accident that forced me to stop working or something along those lines. I also think to myself that I would be happy to have a life ending illness like cancer so I can move on from this life in a natural way. I'm looking for anyway out besides me saying "I give up" because thats what I want...to give it all up without the guilt that goes with quiting.

I see myself living in a matrix, like the movie. I see people who are going about their daily activities almost like robots to serve society and I feel seperated. I can tell, by the expressions on peoples faces, what they are thinking and how they are feeling. I see people who are lost in the illusion of life and survival in modern times. I see sadness and frustration. I see people who, like me, are hiding their true feeelings in sake of earning money and providing for their families. (which I don't blame them for). Most adults have other people to provide for and I admire thier sacrifice in order to give there children a better oppertunity at life.

My dream is to own a hobby farm surrounded by natural resources and wildlife. I would also like to travel the world once or twice. I want to be the master of my own domain, not a slave to a society I loath. I wish I had to courage to walk away from the life that I hate and into my so called fantacy life. At this point I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to just give up my old life and start a new one. The problem is I don't see any way out and I feel trapt.

Is this what God intended?

Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:52 pm » by **Iamthatiam**

Go do something useful for this world, go to Africa and help, Haiti, South America...C'mon...there is a shit load of good stuff to be doing..move your Canadian arse, or I will kick it so hard, that even your grandsons will be feeling it...Go to India, Tibet...Dufkno...NOW!!!

You are this way because of all the contained need to help, this whole frustration and impotence...Well, tell ya what...fuck frustration and impotence, and go help someone before it is too late...Trust me buddy :flop:

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:14 pm » by **Cosmine**

Something told me to come to dtv...

Om nama lha Nagakanya svaha

Om nama lha Nagakanya vajra

Om nama lha Nagakanya phat
Feel better?

:cheers:

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:20 pm » by **Newearthman**

Easyer said than done, I know, I've said it a bunch of times before. My family is kind of depending on me to make something of myself because they will need support in old age plus I'm an uncle and I want to be able to be a provider if needed. If my family didn't care for me than I would have left by now. Catch 22.

I don't know if what I'm doing now is going to work out or not, I'm just hanging in there with hope, I know I can't give up. I am on the edge of being broke and overwhelmed with bills. I have one week of work under my belt on a trial basis with an electrical contractor so I may be ok, I'm trying to have hope. The problem is I also have a dark side of myself that is ready for failure and a change of lifestyle, kind of like that movie Me, Myself and Irene.

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:28 pm » by **Iamthatiam**

newearthman wrote:Easyer said than done, I know, I've said it a bunch of times before. My family is kind of depending on me to make something of myself because they will need support in old age plus I'm an uncle and I want to be able to be a provider if needed. If my family didn't care for me than I would have left by now. Catch 22.

I don't know if what I'm doing now is going to work out or not, I'm just hanging in there with hope, I know I can't give up. I am on the edge of being broke and overwhelmed with bills. I have one week of work under my belt on a trial basis with an electrical contractor so I may be ok, I'm trying to have hope. The problem is I also have a dark side of myself that is ready for failure and a change of lifestyle, kind of like that movie Me, Myself and Irene.

You seem to have a large family, you cannot be burdened like this, man!

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:33 pm » by **Symbolon**

Re: The Darkness has a hold on me

Only if you allow this to happen! If you reinforce this feeling of hopelessness daily, then you will reap what you sow. It is a free will universe. Choose differently and your feelings of a darkness entrapping you will evaporate.

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:40 pm » by **Cosmine**

1:Drop boose
2:Drop boose
3:Drop boose
It's tamasic (too yang)
Other drugs (non ...ines) are not as bad...in moderation.
Imo

:cheers:

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:43 pm » by **Newearthman**

symbolon wrote:
Re: The Darkness has a hold on me

Only if you allow this to happen! If you reinforce this feeling of hopelessness daily, then you will reap what you sow. It is a free will universe. Choose differently and your feelings of a darkness entrapping you will evaporate.

I know it sucks! I wake up in the morning and think of all the things I hate. I know I'm being negative so I just endure it until I calm down in my mind. It's like doing a drug that makes you depressed for 6 hours...I just have to wait it out and try to rationalise my thoughts in a logical way.

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:45 pm » by **Newearthman**

cosmine wrote:1:Drop boose
2:Drop boose
3:Drop boose
It's tamasic (too yang)
Other drugs (non ...ines) are not as bad...in moderation.
Imo

Yes, I tell mysef that every day and than put it off to the next. I have many problems and I just wish I could escape them all and start a new life.

Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:46 pm » by **Demobe**

Nem You Are The Master Of Youre Univers,
And If You Do Not Find A Way, No One Will.
We Are All In A journey, In This Crazy Life, We All Call REAL,
Just Think About It This Way. WE All Gonna Die,

So Why Worry. Do The Best And Fuck The Rest, Thats All We Can Do Man,

Peace And Hope Evrything Works Out My Friend :hugging: