women in heaven
Thu Sep 17, 2009 6:09 pm » by Volitzer
women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS!
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS!
Thu Sep 17, 2009 6:41 pm » by Aquarius
Mick comes home drunk as a skunk.
Drops the clothes & crawls into bed beside the missus. Unconscious straight away.
Next thing he opens his eyes only to see Peter at the gates of heaven.
"Oh fuck, I'm not ready, I have to tell the missus I love her 1 more time", Mick tells Peter, "send me back".
"There's only 2 ways to go back, and that's as an insect or a farm animal", says Peter.
So Mick thinks about this & remembers that there's a farm down the road from where he lived. "Right, a farm animal" he tells Peter.
All of a sudden he's clucking around a farm yard as a chicken. He's about to set off on his journey to his house when suddenly he feels something strange. "What the fuck" he thinks to himself. He gets this overwhelming urge to find a comfortable spot to sit down. "Jaysus what's up with me" he thinks, getting a little worried. Then he starts to push. He's pushing and pushing, he thinks he's about to pop, if he had a forehead the veins would be popping out. Then suddenly he realises, "holy God", he's just laid an egg. The relief is unimaginable, he is wrapped in a maternal instinct, a wave of a nurturing washes over him. He just wants to protect this egg and watch over it forever. He's never felt so proud in all his life. But wait, he gets that strange feeling again, so he gets comfortable, he starts to push, he's pushing and squeezing and pushing..
Suddenly 'BANG', he starts seeing stars. He opens his eyes, and realises he's looking up at his wife who's just punched him in the back of the head, while she exclaims;
"WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'RE SHITTING THE BED!"
True story
Drops the clothes & crawls into bed beside the missus. Unconscious straight away.
Next thing he opens his eyes only to see Peter at the gates of heaven.
"Oh fuck, I'm not ready, I have to tell the missus I love her 1 more time", Mick tells Peter, "send me back".
"There's only 2 ways to go back, and that's as an insect or a farm animal", says Peter.
So Mick thinks about this & remembers that there's a farm down the road from where he lived. "Right, a farm animal" he tells Peter.
All of a sudden he's clucking around a farm yard as a chicken. He's about to set off on his journey to his house when suddenly he feels something strange. "What the fuck" he thinks to himself. He gets this overwhelming urge to find a comfortable spot to sit down. "Jaysus what's up with me" he thinks, getting a little worried. Then he starts to push. He's pushing and pushing, he thinks he's about to pop, if he had a forehead the veins would be popping out. Then suddenly he realises, "holy God", he's just laid an egg. The relief is unimaginable, he is wrapped in a maternal instinct, a wave of a nurturing washes over him. He just wants to protect this egg and watch over it forever. He's never felt so proud in all his life. But wait, he gets that strange feeling again, so he gets comfortable, he starts to push, he's pushing and squeezing and pushing..
Suddenly 'BANG', he starts seeing stars. He opens his eyes, and realises he's looking up at his wife who's just punched him in the back of the head, while she exclaims;
"WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'RE SHITTING THE BED!"
True story
God is a comedian, playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh
- Savwafair2012
-
- Posts: 9088
- Joined: Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:10 pm
- Location: Packing my stuff and moving to Denver like you should be doing
Thu Sep 17, 2009 7:10 pm » by Savwafair2012
As the Father pulls up into his driveway he glances at the front window where he sees’s his and son looking out. Once inside the house his wife with an unforgiving frown. Tells him in a very angry tone.”That Jimmy had sex with the Math teacher today” and that she want the husband to set Jimmy straight and ground him till the end of days.
Well once inside the den his father shut’s the door very slowly and turns around with the biggest damn smile Jimmy has ever seen. “You lil son of a bitch you did it? Really Wow! Holy Hell! “My son and the math teacher” He tells Jimmy that he is so prod of him that the bike he wanted but couldn’t afford was his.
Dad and Jimmy went to the store and brought that bike home that night.
The next day dad pulls in the drive way and see’s Jimmy just lying on the couch.
Dad say’s “Hey lil buddy why aren’t you out ridding your new bike?”
Jimmy turns to him and say’s “Well my ass still hurts a lot from having sex with the teacher. Mr. Robinson”
Well once inside the den his father shut’s the door very slowly and turns around with the biggest damn smile Jimmy has ever seen. “You lil son of a bitch you did it? Really Wow! Holy Hell! “My son and the math teacher” He tells Jimmy that he is so prod of him that the bike he wanted but couldn’t afford was his.
Dad and Jimmy went to the store and brought that bike home that night.
The next day dad pulls in the drive way and see’s Jimmy just lying on the couch.
Dad say’s “Hey lil buddy why aren’t you out ridding your new bike?”
Jimmy turns to him and say’s “Well my ass still hurts a lot from having sex with the teacher. Mr. Robinson”
FAIR USE NOTICE.
Section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, . http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml
- Savwafair2012
-
- Posts: 9088
- Joined: Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:10 pm
- Location: Packing my stuff and moving to Denver like you should be doing
Thu Sep 17, 2009 7:20 pm » by Savwafair2012
Three guys are sitting together at a bar.
Ones a French man ones an Italian and the last is a redneck from Mississippi
Well they start on about how well they can please their women.
The French guy starts on about the thing’s he likes to do with his tongue
And then he say’s When I am done she is floating 6 inches above the sheet’s
The Italian guy starts in about how he love’s to play with the ass and “When I am done
She is floating 12 inches above the sheets.
Well now it’s the Rednecks turn. He tells the guy’s how he jumps on the bed jumps on his wife fuck’s her as hard as he can for 40 seconds or more then pulls out and wipes his shit on the curtains,” And when I’m done my wife hit’s the roof”
Ones a French man ones an Italian and the last is a redneck from Mississippi
Well they start on about how well they can please their women.
The French guy starts on about the thing’s he likes to do with his tongue
And then he say’s When I am done she is floating 6 inches above the sheet’s
The Italian guy starts in about how he love’s to play with the ass and “When I am done
She is floating 12 inches above the sheets.
Well now it’s the Rednecks turn. He tells the guy’s how he jumps on the bed jumps on his wife fuck’s her as hard as he can for 40 seconds or more then pulls out and wipes his shit on the curtains,” And when I’m done my wife hit’s the roof”
FAIR USE NOTICE.
Section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, . http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml
Thu Sep 17, 2009 7:44 pm » by Aireswing
She is sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can he! lp him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.!!
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can he! lp him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.!!
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