On day one it began....
A lonely downtrodden guy walks down the street ashamed of the world he has to put up with. Suddenly a billboard he passes catches his eye that reads...
" Are you downtrodden ? "
"Tired of the world you live in ?."
"Sick of all the corruption ?"
"Ashamed of your so called leaders ?"
"WELL SO ARE WE!!!."
Well come and join our new friendly society, we will help grow a new world, free of the corruption and thought control!.
We pave the road to the future!.
Come have a stay at Hotel Zoltan."
The Downtrodden mans eyes widen and begin to fill with hopeful tears.
The downtrodden man steps off a coach outside of a huge building complex, his destination of choice, Hotel Zoltan.
A friendly well kept man walks out to greet him.
" Hello there Sir, welcome to Hotel Zoltan brother. May I take your luggage Sir ? "
" Thank you yes that would be great. Lovely place you have here. "
" Yes we maintain it all ourselves you know, we are totally self sufficient here at Hotel Zoltan. "
Downtrodden man becoming invigorated now and beaming with the smile of a sun.
" Show me the way then my good man. "
" Please allow me to take your coat and phone Sir."
" Oh that wont be necessary it's no bother at all. "
" Nonsense! Don't be silly Sir. It's what we do here, we look out for one another. It's kind of our custom, plus you wont be needing it inside Hotel Zoltan. We have air conditioning in every room Sir, and telecommunications within Hotel Zoltan Sir, are free of charge!. The whole idea is to escape the confines of modern society. You may always have access to your belongings should you have dire need of them Sir, don't worry. "
" Yes of course I see. Wow, really ?. You don't say!. Well if you insist, then sure why not. "
" Thank you sir, Follow me. "
As the downtrodden man walks beneath the doorway and through the grand entrance of Hotel Zoltan the last thing he notices is a plaque above the archway that reads:
" Hope for the future "
Turning to the friendly well kept man, he proclaims...
" You know what, I think I am going to love it here. "
" Oh indeed you will Sir, indeed you will. Welcome home. "
Downtrodden man awakes to the early bird breakfast alarm which repeats in an annoyingly upbeat voice...
"Rise and shine Zoltons.! It's pan dimensional sphere of exceptionalism day!. Lets makes this a Zoltan good time! There will be cake and custard!... There will be cake and custard! "
Baffled and unable to find a clock anywhere, realising he gave his watch over to the pretty lady behind reception last night. He Stumbles out of his air conditioned room and is confronted by a stern faced no nonsense drill Sargent looking guy.
" Put these on and come to the meeting hall. "
Not wanting to get on the bad side of his new friend on his first full day of Hotel Zoltan downtrodden man does just this, and after 40 minutes of wandering around a vast grey complex wearing a fluffy white robe and slippers, wondering how anyone gets any manual work done in these garments, he emerges into the meeting hall.
There appears to be a fancy dress party taking place with men women and children in all sorts of Alien themed regalia networking, dancing, laughing, and generally being merry.
" What an odd bunch these lot look like. " He thought, then he spots a comedian on a stage telling jokes at the other end of the huge meeting hall. Dressed all in black resembling a bling like Darth Vader, this comedian is telling some rip roarers about some pan dimensional something or other. The crowd are eating it up, cheering, applauding, some guy is cheering him on while filming the festivity on stage too.
Suddenly a huge cake is wheeled out in the shape of a huge flying saucer, this gets rapturous cheers and applause.
Downtrodden man notices the main door has closed behind him, two stern looking gentlemen block the way out and beckon him to go and celebrate. Darth comedian is still addressing the cameraman and audience.
" WTF is going on here, what time is it ?, I don't even think its six in the morning yet!. Is it light outside ?.
As all this is swimming through his mind he walks over to see all the commotion, as he wanders around he notices a man dressed up in what looks like a Chewbacca costume from STARWARS, walking through the oddly dressed crowd, this Wookie appears to own a life like AK47 for some odd reason.. Downtrodden man thinks to himself...
" Jeeeessssh, that's a bit much, and inaccurate, Chewie had a fucking Crossbow not an AK47! "
Rolling his eyes he continues wandering around, and observes there are no toilets or fire escapes.
" what a health and safety nightmare, looks like these people could do with an architect! "
Huge cheers break off his train of thought. He notices cake and custard is being passed around. Muttering to himself...
" What kind of people eat cake for fucking breakfast ?! "
His stomach rumbling he decides he might as well dig in himself. Wandering over and taking his dish, he listens to Darth comedian as he begins to eat his flying saucer cake. Thinking to himself...
This comedian isn't very good. I mean, where are all the fucking jokes ?!, what the hell is this stuff about pan dimensional overlords eating custard ?, and why is everybody laughing and cheering ?. Urrrhhh fuck me....
Lost in his train of thought, downtrodden man accidentally blurts out loud...
" This custard tastes like fucking shit! "
A YouTube user stumbles upon a video titled LORD ZOLTAN AWAITS!. After viewing several minutes, the user flags the video.
YouTube policy maintenance staff view the report and watch the video, the authorities are called!.
The police pass on the video to media forensics division to analyse in detail and are able to locate the specific location of the video via the logo "Hotel Zoltan". Word is leaked to the press of a swoop operation the following day.
" This is Joe Shitbox reporting live for CNN.
Today a building compound with more than 500 people dead inside has been discovered by federal authorities. The discovery was made after a YouTube user named OverLordZoltan posted a video with a disturbing goodbye message by a man dressed in a long black robe and gold chains, upon his face the mask of what appears to be an Alien can be seen. Behind him a huge crowd and gigantic cake resembling a UFO. This video is disturbing viewer discretion is advised... "
" Greetings I am Maximus Penetralia. I stand here before you today proud chief representative of the Zoltan grand council. - cheers erupt - We are leaving your world, our master Zoltan awaits and expects us, we will not disappoint him. "
That was the tragic scene of a senseless crime.
We continue this video and advise viewer discretion.
The video posted on YouTube precedes to show the slicing of cake and the dishing out of custard. In the background you can clearly see men with what appear to be Grey alien masks directing people towards the gigantic UFO cake. One person appears to be dressed as Chewbacca holding an AK47 assault rifle. The masked man starts handing out cake and custard to bewildered and jovial recipients. The video continues...
" We are proud humbled and honoured to have been chosen for this momentous occasion, and the opportunity to start a grand new civilization, free of corrupt banking and marketing systems. "
The mysterious robed figure bellows. In the background a voice can heard proclaiming...
" This custard tastes like fucking shit! ".
People begin falling to the ground, then pandemonium breaks loose. The tape ends.
That is where the video ends. This grizzly scene today has spelled out all to well what actually happened. All 537 members in what is believed to be called Club Zoltan were found dead today. Victims of rat poison laced custard.
The mysterious man in the video dressed in black robes wearing an alien mask who referred to himself as Maximus Penetralia has been identified as one David Cockbucket. Police identified Cockbucket as a primary suspect in connection with the infamous string of "hobo rapes" in 1998. Police are in the process of trying to contact relatives.
This is Joe Shitbox reporting for CNN.
Posts start going up on conspiracy sites all over the world, One of which read...
" Government Black Op intervenes in ET First Contact by Spiking Zortans Custard ".
"They Wanted Them Dead!. This Was Staged!. "
and another reads...
" Zoltans Message Was That of Peace, They Must Have Found The Truth!. "
Yet another reads...
The Zoltan Covert CIA Psyop Infiltration EXPOSED!!!
A wave of custard poisonings begin sweeping the nation. People are poisoned in restaurants, cafes, diners, schools, and even at home.
Alex Jones and Piers Morgan victoriously debate the ethical nature and explosion of "pop culture Zoltan".
Alex Jones decides to conduct the entire debate from the perspective of a rabid dog with an upper class fictional British accent, while responding only with profoundly confusing statements like...
How many camels can you fit inside a sandwich ? YOU WILL NEVER TAKE OUR CUSTARD!!!!
Morgan wins the debate critically but not commercially, mainly because people despise him more than cancer.
Meanwhile Bill O Reilly conducts an exclusive interview with a family member of one of the deceased Zoltan cult. Where he claims and quote...
" You are responsible for your child eating rat poisoned custard. Are you happy ? What kind of parent allows their 40 year old son to go off and worship Overlord Zoltan ? Your son helped spur on this new trend of casual custard killings! What do you have to say for yourself ?, look down that camera and tell the nation!, C'mon they are waiting...
After reducing the parent to tears he cuts to a commercial break.
Obama signs executive order 23/4 A-413 banning custard outright.
Custard lovers around the globe start a petition to have Piers Morgan drowned in custard!. Alex Jones leads the charge. Alex is quoted as saying on his blog.
You want our custard Piers ?, you come take our fucking custard you ginger redcoat New World Order DEVIL MAN !!!!! We are coming for you.
Attention is momentarily diverted from the systemic wave of custard related killings sweeping the globe when it is discovered that pop contestants on the X Factor are lip syncing their songs.
"Zoltan Lives!!!" is the new meme sweeping the interwebs. Piers Morgan is found dead in his penthouse in New York. Police refuse to release to the press the details surrounding his demise.
Alex Jones is arrested later that day, no connection in relation to the nature of his arrest were made available by authorities to the press.
Paramount Pictures swoop up the movie rights to Hotel Zoltan, David Koepp will write the screenplay. Tom Cruise and Joseph Gordon Levit are rumoured to be circling the project with an intention of starring. Tom is allegedly connected to the Maximus Penetrailia role, while Joseph Gordon Levit is rumoured to be interested in the part of Chewbacca. ShowGirls Paul Verhoven is approached to direct.
Simon & Schuster sign a deal with Stephen King for the novelization, based on the actual events. It is believed to be a fictional retelling of the Zoltan mass suicides, a tragic tale centred around a man who can tell the future by reading the looks on peoples faces.
Mastercard plan a new super exclusive premium platinum Zoltan credit card. It is the fastest selling credit card in history, but Mastercard clients begin complaining when it becomes apparent that these cards are everywhere and not exclusive at all. The cards design carries the title...
Zoltan Loves and Watches Over You!
On the card can be seen the image of a crowd kneeling before a giant golden head with rainbows shooting out of its eyes.
The emergence of a new consumerist religion begins to show strength, with think tanks organizing global gatherings and cultural events focused at getting Zoltans message out to the masses. It is becoming known as Zoltanism, and political parties are now rushing to carry favour with the new zeitgeist of the masses. One republican while on Glen Becks Power Hour proclaims...
If we had more pan dimensional people like Zoltan in this world, then the world would be a nicer place.
This was met with thunderous applause, and reduced Glen Beck to tears.
Meanwhile in the UK, Prime Minister David Cameron while in the middle of his annual party political conference was heard to bellow as his speech reached a crescendo...
Why are we allowing our society to flounder like the rejected tears of Overlord Zoltan!. We need to cast aside our transgressions, and progress, resolute, advancing on relentlessly. Tirelessly seeking our pan dimensional home.
This got a standing ovation, it brought the house down. There were however hard questions facing Cameron later that day in the house of commons, but the opposition only pressed him on his lack of likeability, and about just how much genuine love and belief he had for precious Overlord Zoltan. Then as if challenged he proclaimed publicly in the house of commons, quote...
I am in love with Overlord Zoltan. We should all be in love with Overlord Zoltan.
However this later backfired when the opposition accused him of just trying to sound relevant and in touch with reality. Which turned out to be true. As Cameron later confessed on David Letterman.
I didn't even know what a lord Zoltan was!, it just sounded cool.
In fact the only agency asking questions about his use of Zoltan in his speech were the BBC, and even they were claiming he never said enough about Overlord Zoltan.
Zoltanism creates a webpage asking for donations to help fund plans to contact Overlord Zoltan in pan dimensional sector 7. They also propose plans to form a new super state dedicated to honour Overlord Zoltan.
Tom Cruise and John Travolta defect from Scientology to Zoltanism, creating a tabloid media whirlwind in their wake. Mainstream Zoltanism calls them popularity whores. Meanwhile Scientology start a smear campaign and release pictures and video of Tom Cruise having sex with John Travolta in one of there temples.
Zoltanism continues to infiltrate all media, government, and press. They begin preliminary funding for Sarah Palin 2014, and takeover Goldman Sachs.
In a shocking development, Bill O Reilly is murdered live on air, by a member of staff and pro Zoltansim supporter wielding a chainsaw. The bloody carnage is embedded into the minds of a generation. What is most shocking about this event, is that not only did it happen on live broadcast, but nobody intervened to stop it from happening. As chunks of Bills face were carved away by this deranged female employee, the camera operator continued to pull focus and set frame. He actually zoomed in to get a better view. Bills tragic last words were...
You're doing this live! you're doing this live!!!!! YOU'RE DOIN IT LI.....
Fox news were fined for continuing the broadcast, but refused to pay.
Meanwhile David Koepps screenplay for Zoltan The Movie is deemed offensive and blasphemous by Zoltanism. Paramount Pictures place the production on indefinite hold. Tom Cruise now caught in a difficult position decides to defect back to Scientology. Who welcome him and his bank account with open arms.
Simon & Schuster publishing mandate that Stephen King rewrite his take on the Club Zoltan Mass Suicide, after the litigious nature of Zoltanism is made apparent. Stephen King is frustrated when the first draft of his reinterpretation of the birth of Zoltanism is rejected. The novel centred around a tragic man, who can tell the future from the looks on peoples faces but is foiled by a bowl of cult custard.
President Obama issues a statement that tomorrow he will address the nation.
Meanwhile planned legislation is drawn up in the western world, placing all those who publicly denounced Zoltanism on a mandatory register and told that they need to attend bi weekly meetings for correctional rehabilitation. Zoltanism PR officials call it..
A logical conclusion. For a better you.
Some claim this is nothing more than propaganda, but they are then placed on the register and forced to attend bi weekly meetings too. By the end of the work day, nobody questions it.
A new commercial runs twenty four hours a day on channel Zoltan. It shows of new patented soul scanning Zoltan technology, complete with mind factoring pan dimensional capabilities. Commercials start running on every station in between shows, on some stations it's all they show 24 hours a day.
Friendly infomercials start being broadcast informing people to...
" Never think it's ratting on a neighbour if they don't believe in pan dimensional Zoltanism.
Let us know what you know, you never know what is living next door to you!. "
A pixalated video surfaces on YouTube of what appears to be Piers Morgan being tortured to death by Alex Jones. Alex can't be seen on the video, but he can be heard clearly enough...
YOU WILL NEVER TAKE OUR CUSTARD YOU REDCOOOOOOOOOOOOOAT!!!!
What can be made out in the video is custard being forced fed down Piers throught as a maniacal voice repeats the words
Red Coat Red Coat Red Coat Red Coat
Piers Last words were a defiant....
Alex Jones gave away his identity by inexplicably giving a plug for infowars at the end of the video. Alex Jones faces execution at the end of the week by Lord Galvatron " acting representative of Zoltan on Earth ". He allegedly asked for custard as his final meal, which he was denied as it is illegal under Zoltan law.
Meanwhile body parts were found washed up on the shore of a Californian tourist resort that are believed to belong to unpopular cry on cue Glenn Beck. Mysterious inscriptions found carved into the remains were identified as Scientology symbolism.
Popular peoples dictator King Jong Un of North Korea changes his name to Zoltor in a desperate bid to remain in power. It fails.
South Korea release a follow up single to Gangnam Style titled "Zoltan Style". The state of Zoltanism are outraged at the blatant copyright infringement and demand the extradition of performer Psy to the state of Zoltanarian, now residing in the former state of Iowa.
President Obama addresses an astonished nation.
" Fellow Americans. People of Earth.
I stand before you today the proud and humble chief representative of the intergalactic republic of Zoltan.
On this momentous day, let it be known that from this day forward we shall be known as Zoltanarian!. Let us cast aside our differences and unite under one common banner, under one common goal.
The preservation of our nations proud Zoltan heritage.
Let us fully embrace our destiny, as we strive forward. Never looking back. Onwards towards a new future free of repression and self thought. Ever closer to a new pan dimensional galactic horizon. May we all stand proud Zoltanarian's as we move boldly into a bolder braver world.
Let non of us tolerate our Overlord being misused for financial gain.
May Zoltan protect and guide you, may Zoltan bless Zoltanarian. Please give generously to the Zoltan foundation.
Gangnam Stylee Psy is extradited to Zoltanarian, where he is tried and found guilty of blasphemy and sentenced to death by the supreme chancellor Trolliton. Which was ordered to be carried out immediately, and on live broadcast TV the world over.
Psy is raped to death by fuckbot 9000 in the Zoltanarian Pleasuredome of Doom.
The show carried with it the highest ratings of any show in TV broadcast history.
Simon & Schuster publishing release "The Bible" by Stephen King. Officially endorsed and backed by Zoltanism.
In the beginning there was darkness.
and Zoltan said let there be custard,
and there was custard, and it was good.
And thus concluded The World War Zoltan.
It emerged as the dominant world religion and power the world had ever seen. Nothing could stop it.
Not even logic.
Censorship debunking & disinformation, it's all in a days work.
Paramount pictures successfully adapt World War Z into something that resembles everything in the world but the source material. Starring Brad Pitt, some woman, and two unlikeable scared kids. Zoltanism is happy.
Censorship debunking & disinformation, it's all in a days work.
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