Pence Rolls Out Ambitious First 100 Minutes In Office


President-Possibly-Elect Mike Pence has set out a bold agenda for his first 100 minutes in office, should Trump be removed. The Babylon Bee’s elite squadron of investigative journalists has obtained Pence’s handwritten, minute by minute breakdown of his plans:

  • 10:00 - Pardon and forgive Donald Trump. Remember scripture: “If a man attacks you, steals your tunic, incites a riot, causes supporters to call for your hanging, and makes everyone hate you… turn the other cheek.” After announcing pardon, try not to enjoy watching everyone’s head explode
  • 10:08 to 10:15 - Apply hairspray
  • 10:16 - Put casserole in oven for church potluck
  • 10:17 to 10:30 - Send fruit baskets to all the world leaders
  • 10:30 to 10:40 - Run from right-wing mob
  • 10:40 to 10:50 - Run from left-wing mob
  • 10:50 to 10:55 - Sign executive orders to end elective abortion, balance budget, break up Big Tech, give power back to states, set Congressional term limits, save freedom of speech and religion
  • 10:56 - Sign executive order banning all future executive orders
  • 10:57 to 11:00 - Take time out to spend with family, rekindle marriage
  • 11:01 - Reapply hairspray
  • 11:02 - Remove casserole from oven. Let cool before touching. Learn from your mistakes
  • 11:03 - Find a fly to exact revenge upon. Repent for still being angry about that
  • 11:04 to 11:15 - Pass amendment limiting number of Supreme Court justices
  • 11:16 - Witness to John Roberts
  • 11:17 - Write John off as lost cause
  • 11:18 - Give John a second chance
  • 11:19 - Commit John’s soul to the Lord
  • 11:20 - Forgive progressive mob who accused you of enabling Trump, hated you, called for your head, all the while you were helping rein in Trump and be their lifeline
  • 11:21 - Forgive the conservative mob who accused you of sabotaging Trump, hated you, and called for your head, all while you were the one working to make real conservative progress happen
  • 11:22 to 11:40 - Resume running from both mobs

At time of publication, Pence was out being a decent human being, which made everyone furious-- causing the House to call for his impeachment.